What if I am gonna run it into the ground tho? Will you be proud of me then, Papa?

Do you mean touchpad or touchscreen?

In both cases they should work out of the box and depending on your distro/DE, your default touchpad settings may vary.

But that’s why programs like touche and touchegg exist.

Yeap, Linux Mint is an awesome distro for beginners and pros alike. It’s rock solid stable and not too far from the look and feel of classic windows.